I was working when I heard a commotion in the house. I heard my father telling my mother about an accident. I didn’t hear the whole of it as I was too far from them.
He came to my room where I was working. “Daksh met with an accident. Let’s pray for his speedy recovery”, father dropped the news and left sadly.
Years ago, when I ended things with Daksh, who happens to be my father’s friend’s son, I hardly thought that I would be this shaken with the news of his accident.
I looked into the laptop screen, which took me back to my teenage when I started dating him. As all teens imagine it to be like, first love is always special. To me, Daksh was my first love. As we age, we get to know that what we want in a person whom we would like to spend our lives together with. And definitely, Daksh wasn’t someone with whom I could be happy. I initiated the breakup. But it was for our good. I am quite sure that dad knew something about what was cooking between the two of us. These things can’t be hidden for long, can it be? And the way he told me the news made me realise it.
If you ask me whether we were friends or not after our breakup, I have to say a NO! But even then, I never thought of any ill happening to him. I hoped that even if we never talked again, met again, he stays happy in his life. This news made my caged thoughts to come out wild and fierce.
I started to think about things that we had in the past. Memories started to fill in my screen. I was working and slowly, I started to work with the memories.
After a while, I heard the news of his demise. And it was the beginning of an end to my inner peace.
It shook me more than I imagined it to. My life went into the chapters where he was a character too. I felt stressed and scared. Why am I thinking about him so much? What is making me this uneasy? Am I feeling some sort of guilt? But I didn’t do anything wrong to feel a guilt. What I did was necessary. I sat down to take deep breaths. It didn’t work.
For a week after that, everything reminded me of him. Everybody seemed to talk about some or the other thing which would eventually make me think of him.
I thought I didn’t love him. I THOUGHT I DIDN’T CARE. But here am I, thinking again and again of the past.
I was swallowing pills of suffocation caused by my intimidating thoughts. I had a severe headache and I dozed off to escape the pain. I don’t remember exactly when did I fall asleep.
Love doesn’t work on some START/STOP button, does it? Time makes you realise that someone is not worth of your love. When you understand that, you leave. You never stop loving. You move on. You meet new people and then new memories get formed,eventually, someone who deserves you steps in and a new story begins. You forget and forgive. For a greater good, you bear the temporary pain and move on. Does that make you bad? Does that make you selfish? He smiled at me without answering it.
” I never wanted you to die. You and I parted ways but I never wanted you to lose your life and..”, I stammered to speak ahead.
What you feel right now is normal. I was a part of your life once, and naturally when I leave this world, that chapter of your life is going to get heavier and painful. When alive, I have done many wrong things to you, but now when I am no more, you think only about the goods that I did. That’s the beauty of a death. It makes you forget how bad a person was. His words were sinking in slowly.
“I don’t know what to say and think. I am surrounded by a thousands of memories and infinite emotions. “ I said without looking at him.
“You were the best thing happened to me. I didn’t value what I had and I lost it. I repeat that you aren’t at fault. I was just immature. With time, you will heal this too. I know the strength you have within you. Take care.” His last whisper echoed.
I woke up in a sudden reflex . My heavy heart needed this. I don’t know why or what made this sudden dream emerge but I thanked the universe for this.
Daksh, wherever you are, I hope you are happy. I prayed silently for the soul who left the world, to the love that never bloomed.